Warming Up The Vocal Cords

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I can’t sing.

Ask anyone who has had to listen to me. You would think that my high school band geek clarinet and tuba experience (although 5’2″ and 103 lbs., I marched around pretending to play the tuba my senior year because of hot guys in the brass section) would help me somewhat. I am able to hear how the note is supposed to sound, I just can’t make my voice replicate it. I have a range of about 5 notes, and they are all flat.

That fact will not stop me from belting out a very special Buffer Zone song starting tomorrow, Christmas Day, and the next 11 days.

Please stop back for this special treat, and while you are singing along, in your head or out loud, imagine that I belong on X Factor 2014.

Wishing you and your loved ones a very merry Christmas.

 

Where Are They?

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Rushing to the mailbox immediately after hearing the mail carrier driving down the street, I throw open the mailbox door, and am immediately disappointed. I keep hoping to find a big fat envelope, containing the most entertaining item you can receive this season of the year-THE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS LETTER.

There are two kinds of Christmas letters: 1. The letters from your friends across the country, composed of pictures of their families.  2. The dispatch of dysfunction.

While I love to receive the first kind, because I sincerely want to keep in touch with my friends and enjoy their pictures, the second kind fills me with glee. This missive is to be savored, reread, and read aloud to your friends for the entertainment of all.

When we were growing up, we received many holiday letters, one being so spectacularly amusing, we forbade our mother to open it before we arrived. But in the last few years, we’ve only received a few, and I’m blaming facebook, blogs and all social media.

Why write a yearly letter, when you have already posted that your two year old was just accepted to Mensa? Or that your bunion surgery was a disaster that condemned you to rehab, and ugly footwear, for the rest of your life? I know you kicked out your bum-of-a-spouse because they hooked up with someone in rehab, and that your step-son lifted your Cubic Zirconia earrings to use for his nose piercings. Everyone has seen your blogs about “the big job” you have acquired, and know you think it is unfair that co-workers think your promotion was the result of your double-D breast enhancement.

Where is the family gossip? Where are the thinly veiled insults followed by “Bless her heart?” Is obnoxious-bragging-Christmas-letter writing a lost art?

Since our mailbox is standing forlornly at the end of our driveway, losing hope, I’m counting on my awesome followers/readers to message me with the best holiday letters they receive. I will change the names and post them here, spreading joy and merriment to all.

Have to go. Just heard of a contact with a legendary Christmas letter. Going to facebook friend her this instant in hope of getting on her 2013 letter list.

Christmas Is Coming, We Are Getting Fat.

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Another Thanksgiving weekend for the books, and because of our BZ there were no outbursts, or arrests for drunken lawn mower driving.

There was a lot of eating and baking, and then eating the baking, which I find much more enjoyable than venturing out to shop on Black Friday. Why would you want to camp out in the cold to fight with some stranger, when you can fight with your own family any time?

If you were fortunate enough to escape family drama for Thanksgiving, remember Christmas is coming. Maybe you are in the midst of 8 days of dysfunction right now. Remember every detail (like you could forget?) in order to entertain your friends, including us, after the holidays are over. You just might have the winning dysfunctional family incident for Buffer Zone Day 2014.