Mother’s Day Mayhem

A much needed and fabulous week in Quebec has me playing catch up on blog posts. I’m going to jump back into blogosphere with the rest of our survey responses.

The Buffer Zone Dysfunctional Family Survey results are in and the goal is to post one every day or so or three. The main question of our survey was: Without naming names, who is the relative in your family that causes all the drama? And what incident best illustrates their craziness, “personality” or friction they bring to your family?

“Recently engaged, my fiancé and I attended a church service on Mother’s Day with my soon-to-be mother-in-law and sister-in-law. After a sweet sermon on the importance of mothers in our lives, as well as women who mother us, and the hymns were sung, the pastor invited all mothers to take one of the small potted petunias displayed in the foyer. My husband’s sister was beaming as she proudly carried her petunia in front of her 2nd trimester belly.

As the mothers began to leave the sanctuary and collected their petunias, it was evident that the church had purchased too many plants. The pastor then invited ALL the ladies in attendance to take home a petunia, so I picked one up off the table and casually walked out the front door. My (now) sister-in-law stormed out the door after me, and slung her petunia down the front steps, shattering the pot on the sidewalk below. She actually stamped her foot like a toddler, and proceeded to rant about the unfairness of it all. How would anyone identify her and other mothers if just anyone got a petunia? What was the meaning of Mother’s Day if non-mother’s got a gift? She continued her hissy fit until my (now) mother-in-law shushed her. The other members of the congregation just glanced at her as they filed out. At the time, I thought they pretended not to see her tantrum in order to save my mother-in-law any embarrassment, but I know now that they were just used to her behavior. And, I’m sorry to say, I now am also.”

My goodness me, what a sterling example of Christian behavior! I hope someone pointed out to this anonymous respondent’s sister that she technically wasn’t a mother, and therefore not entitled to a seventy-nine cent petunia either. She was a mother-TO-BE, as well as self-centered, and a bunch of other words I won’t mention because this display of temperament happened at a church.

 

Because It Is Hard

The Buffer Zone Dysfunctional Family Survey results are in and the goal is to post one every day or so or three. The main question of our survey was: Without naming names, who is the relative in your family that causes all the drama? And what incident best illustrates their craziness, “personality” or friction they bring to your family?

photo courtesy of http://www.gabeclogston.com

“My brother definitely causes friction between my parents and me. I am older by 6 years, have always had a part-time job, got a scholarship to university, and landed an entry-level job in my field after I graduated. I was rewarded with a few promotions after logging countless hours, including nights and weekends. My brother didn’t work during high school because it would have interfered with his garage band practice. He dropped out of university because “It’s hard.” He has quit, or was fired, from a string of dead end jobs that interfered with his goal to become a lead singer in a hard rock band because they “were hard.” He singing ability is marginal, so the chance that he will be discovered is pretty slim. Not to mention, it is pretty hard to be noticed by a talent agent when you are sitting in the basement of my parents’ house (where he now lives) playing video games all day. Applying for jobs, making resumes and knocking on doors “are hard.” If that is what makes him happy, I’d be all for it IF he wasn’t draining my parents retirement fund in the process. And here’s the real kicker-no one can mention my latest promotion, the small house I am in the process of purchasing or any other good thing that has happened in my entire life because “it will make him feel bad.” He turns 39 years old in a few weeks. The amusing incident will occur when I take a box cutter to his controller cords.”

Thank you for your response anonymous achiever. His upcoming birthday would be the perfect time to cut the game console umbilical cords. The Buffer Zone congratulates you on your much deserved success, and we don’t care if that made your brother feel bad.

Is This Proving Our Survey Theory?

I think we are on to something in The Buffer Zone Dysfunctional Family Survey/Contest.

According to the Smoking Gun, Thaddeus Morgan, 24, was arrested for interfering with an emergency call and misdemeanor assault after he allegedly pushed, slapped, and broke the glasses of his sister/roommate after a fight about “not putting the toilet seat down.”

Do men resort to brawling, shooting, or biting off the ear (http://wp.me/p3lORd-4f) of relatives in a disagreement, however minor, while women go all “Mean Girl” bitchy?

What do you think? Let’s hear it.

Enter your relative in our survey/contest (http://wp.me/p3IORd-42).

Photo courtesy of http://huff.to/1hMGWxH

Do Women Cause More Family Drama Than Men?

Hmmm. It does seem that way.

By no means is this a scientific study, but The Buffer Zone Dysfunctional Family Survey entries are all about women. Do mean girls just grow up to mean girl relatives?

The responses have been quite wonderful, providing a hearty chuckle, and a feeling of kinship, although I don’t really want to be your kin because I have my own crazy relative, thank you.

Is a woman or man causing all the crazy drama in your family, or do you have a couple of dysfunctional family members? Here is your chance to explain, excuse, rat out, or vent about that person. The question below (#6.) is the one we are all waiting to read, so you can send in the answer to only that question, along with a link to your blog, etc. if you wish, or answer all the questions in our survey http://wp.me/p3lORd-42 by e-mailing responses to thebufferzonesurvey@yahoo.com.

6. Without naming names, who is the relative in your family that causes all the drama? And what incident best illustrates their craziness, “personality” or friction they bring to your family? Was it the time your great aunt slurped up the spaghetti she spilled down her blouse at your engagement party? When your grandfather got arrested after the family reunion for writing “The McMurty’s Rule!” in black spray paint on the rented hall, and then punching our the security guard? Or the holiday your cousin showed up drunk, did a semi-strip tease interpretive dance, and then slept with your husband?

The contest ends at 11:59 EST on March 15, 2014. The rules are as follows: …uh, wait, there are no rules. We don’t care about grammar, punctuation, or even if it’s completely 100% true. Amuse us.

Schadenfreude Smackdown

Photo: Cinemablographer

Schadenfreude-noun. From German Schaden-damage and Freude-joy.  Happiness at the misfortune of others.

Until I heard the lyrics of the song “Schandenfreude” from the musical Avenue Q, I was not familiar with the word. If you haven’t seen the musical written by Robert Lopez, Jeff Marx and Jeff Whitty, puppets (which are visually operated by actors), and a character named Gary Coleman sing:

“Right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy, and when I see how sad you are it sort of makes me…Happy!”

It depends on the misfortune, of course, but we here at the Buffer Zone have to honestly admit we have been known to snort diet soda out of our nose after someone shares their dysfunctional relative story. Not only do these stories make us happy, they also make us feel like we are not alone, a member of a community of crazies, if you will.

Check out our survey here http://wp.me/p3lORd-42 or cut to the chase and e-mail thebufferzonesurvey@yahoo.com your answer this question:

6. Without naming names, who is the relative in your family that causes all the drama? What incident best illustrates their craziness, “personality” or friction they bring to your family?

The contest will end March 15, 2014. A few sneak peaks will be posted in the next week, and the surveys will be posted at the end of March, with a link to your blog if you wish. If you don’t care to share your dysfunctional DNA, our lips are sealed.

“Wait Up All Night To Get Lucky”

We are taking a break from reading the first-rate Buffer Zone Contest entries that are starting to come in by catching some of the Sochi Winter Olympics.

I have always found Olympic spirit, dedication and talent of the athletes awe-inspiring, so this performance of “Get Lucky” by the Russian Police choir at the opening ceremony seems kind of out of place.

Out of place and hilarious. First, the song choice is questionable at best. Second, could the choir members, other than a few singers, look more uncomfortable?

Watch the NBC video in all of it’s fantasticalness here:

http://shar.es/QJsAo

You are welcome.

Don’t miss out on our dysfunctional relative contest! wp.me/p3IORd-4f

It’s All Good Till Someone Loses An Ear

Another day, another brotherly scuffle.

According to Huffington Post (http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4722926) and an article in the Democrat and Chronicle of Rochester, police say that 27-year-old Sean Fallon-Nebbia, pictured above, ending up biting part of his brother’s ear off, punching him several times in the face, and knocking him out just to make sure he got the message.

But what started this brotherly brouhaha at the Super Bowl Party Fallon-Nebbia hosted? Sure, they drank a whole bottle of whiskey before the incident, but I’m guessing that is not unusual.

Based on a trend I’m are seeing, it was not about the outcome of the game, or whether Peyton Manning is still the man, it was something about the food (http://wp.me/p3lORd-3U). Lord knows that people are passionate about their food. Were the chips stale? Not enough bean burrito dip to go around? Was it an issue that the pigs-in-a-blanket weren’t gluten free?

Maybe the issue that ignited the fight will come out during the trial. Meanwhile, the younger brother has a Buffer Zone, a restraining order, and a good shot at winning our Most Dysfunctional Family Contest.(http://wp.me/p31Ord-3U)

I’ll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours

This past September, I was one of 120 people worldwide that participated in a Harsh Reality (http://www.aopinionatedman.com) survey on the right to have an opinion. It was interesting to see the demographics of the bloggers, and how their family and culture affected their views. 

Which led me to consider whether other cultures have the same asinine, dysfunctional family issues we have here in the United States, and who would win the contest of the crazies. I don’t mean the heartbreaking family issues we, unfortunately, hear about all too often, but the ones that make us chuckle and glad we are not you. 

Everyone has one. Whenever the subject of dysfunctional families is brought up in conversation, I never fail to hear “You think that’s bad! Wait until I tell you about my bonehead family!” Then they proceed to tell me, usually using a lot of “descriptive” language, and hand motions.

Here’s your chance to lay out your family dysfunctions, and roll around on them like our dog on a dead frog.  E-mail the survey below to thebufferzonesurvey@yahoo.com either by cutting and pasting the questions, or just send us the numbered answers, and we will publish the best ones.

Tell us about the loony/loonies in your family.  We are all ears eyes.

THE BUFFER ZONE SURVEY

1. “Who Are You, Who, Who, Who, Who?” (I can’t ask that question without singing The Who Song in my head.) Male or female? Approximate age? If desired, you can add your alias, blog link, and/or twitter name here.

2. Please provide your country of origin. Where do you reside currently?

3. Are you from a large or small family? If applicable, what size family do you have now?

4. Do you have a large or small extended family? Did you grow up surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins? Are you still surrounded by them or live in close proximity to them?

5. How frequent are your family get-togethers? Do you have a standing invitation to Sunday dinner? Are holidays one big family reunion?

Now the question that has us giddy in anticipation….

6. Without naming names, who is the relative in your family that causes all the drama? And what incident best illustrates their craziness, “personality” or friction they bring to your family? Was it the time your great aunt slurped up the spaghetti she spilled down her blouse at your engagement party? When your grandfather got arrested after the family reunion for writing “The McMurtry’s Rule!” in black spray paint on the rented hall, and then punching the security guard? Or the holiday your cousin showed up drunk, did a semi-strip tease interpretive dance, and then slept with your husband?  

If you have more than one relative in your extended family that makes you flee from family gatherings, you are welcome to send in an entry for each of them, because we feel sorry  for you, and it adds to our amusement.

This contest ends March 15, 2014, and while there is no cash prize, you do have bragging rights as having the most dysfunctional family ever in the history of the world. If any of my lovely blog readers know of someone who might want to vent participate, please share this with them. After all, misery loves company.

That Was One Too Many

Where do people draw the line? What sets them off? What is the correct amount of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches a person should consume?

According to the Des Moines Register, the Iowa man pictured above, Jerome Davis, believes the answer is three.

His brother allegedly made three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and ate them in the living room. Less than an hour later, HE MADE THREE MORE!

This led to an argument about laziness and over eating. Davis is now charged with assault domestic abuse with a weapon after he allegedly pulled out one of his two folding knives and held it to his brother’s face because he wouldn’t “shut the (expletive) up and mind his own business.”

This incident brings to mind multiple questions. Foremost, is what to do if you have a knife in the vicinity of your face, but also would five PB & J’s be acceptable to eat in a living room? Would six sandwiches in the kitchen be fine? What if the sandwiches were grilled cheese? Is there an acceptable age, say ten years old, to eat six sandwiches? Since the Davis brothers are both in their 50’s, is 40 years old the age cut off? 

While we ponder these questions, Davis had his Buffer Zone established when he was taken to the Polk County jail.

On The Twelfth Day of Dysfunction

Do these Ringling Clowns look like Lord Grantham’s family when compared to your extended family? Or at least certain members of your clan?

I thought so.

You know who these people are. You grew up with them. Or perhaps they came later, as in-laws or evil nieces and nephews. Then one day it occurred to you that most of them are idiots, addicts, or just plain deranged. The Buffer Zone is for that frightening epiphany. And every day thereafter.

Hopefully, you have enjoyed our 12-day dysfunctional celebration song. Clear your throat, do some vocal warm-up scales and join with me now:

(Loudly) On the twelfth day of Christmas hope Santa brought to me dysfunction-free kin, better selective hearing, no brawls or food fights, a new alias, no surprise house guests, an unlisted number, a superb retort, (milk this line) one mooorre stiff drrrinnnkkkk……., (big breath) no bail-requests, comfort food, drama-free days, (bring it home) AND  A  BUFFER  ZONE  DMZ!